The Emirates Diary - Part 1

(For all those of you who had fooled themselves into believing that the constraints of work & the most singular charms that living in Abu Dhabi offers me would make me give up blogging altogether...well...guess who's back..!!

Of course no alibi shall quite suffice for my absence from my blog, I first tried to buy time over the excuse that I wouldnt blog until I bought my lappy...& when that happened..I told myself that I of course couldnt blog on a regular basis until I had net conection at home...& then I inexplicably resolved to give up everything else outside of work until I was done reading all of the Harry potter books from book 1 through to the Deathly Hallows...& though I have still no net connection at home...there shall be no more stalling.... I AM BACK...!!!

Enough of my histrionics....On with the post then people...!!!)



How it all began.....


It had not yet been even 2 weeks since I had returned home from that wonderful Kodaikanal trip (Oh Shyam...what would I do without friends like you, who arrange for free match tickets & great trips..!!!!) & it was already the First of June....the day I had to leave for Abu Dhabi...



For some reason, not once did it seem to be an intimidating prospect to move to another country, especially one that many ignoramuses of my country still dismiss as a murky islamic state with barbaric rules. Perhaps it was because I was used to going away to places for assignments & that it had become, if not a habit, atleast something quite close to it, to not expect that which I havent been guaranteed & to not fear that which I havent experienced myself...



But naa...this aint the cold indifference that it otherwise sounds like....Rather I would say that it was an overwhelming belief that everything was happening for the good (MY good of course..!!! :P ) & so it was this pleasant mindset that I bid my loved ones goodbye & made my way into the Hyderabad international airport...

All the formalities of international travel & other blah-blah turned out to be no sweat after all (Ok...one guy who turned up near me & gave me his blank immigration form & asked me to fill it for him but refused to reveal his name, passport number, occupation & contact details was a good laugh..!!! )& Although this wasnt actually my first trip outside of India, considering the fact that Bhutan requires neither a visa nor any full-fledged immigration formalities...It could well be said that my first genuine trip abroad was going smoothly so far...

The flight was the usual fare (But why o Why was I given that wretched Indian Airlines, which has now been rather ridiculously named "Indian"...!?!?!?) of course, that is if you ignore the fact that the guy immediately behind of me complained that his seat was getting quite hot (WTF..?!?!) to which he was cordially told to just stay wherever he was & not beckon the air-hostess until he could actually smell his ass burn..!!!

It was finally around 00:15 IST (My watch was still showing Indian time) that I arrived at Sharjah (A guy was to pick me up & drive me to Abu Dhabi)...However, if all sounds incredibly peaceful & boring so far, unfortunately it wasnt to be the case from this point on....

Tales of first overseas journeys often come with their accounts of helplessness & despair & this tale ended up being no different...

Since I had initially been mobilized on a visit visa...I had to go to the sponsoring agency to collect my original visa (I needed to do that to get my a$$ outta there..!!)...what greeted me there wasnt a boring old counter with a few sleepy uncles...It was an army of Indian uncles, aunties, guys, gals, infants & whoever doesnt fit in the aforementioned categories, literally fighting with a single uncle, to whom , it appeared, the most welcome thought at that moment would be to fired outta his job...!!!
& so I joined the mob too....eventually getting to the counter (which wasnt a big deal...everyone was getting to the counter...how long u managed to stay at the counter though, wasnt for u to decide, coz u gotta go where the crowd pushes you..!!!) & handed over my fax copy visa to the counter to which he replied something in an apprarently archaic tongue...I promptly replied that I dint know arabic...but he seemed to merely repeat his earlier mutterings with greater authority...& then it struck me..I hadnt recognized the tongue coz I hadnt been anticipating it...But how could I not realize that he was speaking in Malayalam...the Gulf...the land that has long been unofficially conquered by the Mallus..!!!!! :D
When I finally let him know that I knew none of mallu...he then replied in english & proceeded to look for my visa...

10 minutes...& no sign of my visa yet..Uncle tells me to wait & come back again after around 15 mins...& so I wait...taking this opportunity to soak in whats happening right now...The quick exit I had planned wasnt quite materializing...But, I told myself, its after all no big deal, my visa will be found in no time...

Meanwhile a gujju family (I have lost count of the number of times I have seen Gujju joint families with HOT newlywed brides..!!! :P ) with 2 decent (& I aint referring to their Indian values here people...!!)daughters sorta gave me company coz after all...who would let go of a chance for some solid timepass over "Arey Beta. tumhara visa abhi tak nahi mila...?!?" or "Ab kya karoge tum beta.??..tumhe koi tension nahi hai..??"

20 mins later I return to the visa counter uncle...He searches for 5 mins more...No luck this time either & I am told to repeat the same routine of standing a little distance away & returning with the hope that I arrive at a good muhurat for Uncle to search for my visa...

30 mins since I first arrived at the counter...50 mins...1 hour...An hour & a half...& yet my visa was nowhere to be found....Things had already gotten way outta hand...Now it was no more a question of when I would get my visa & leave, but whether there was any visa of mine at all...& whether I would be allowed to get outta this wretched place...

All of my co-passengers had long since left...More passengers came & left, Emirates, Air-India, Air-Arabia..all gone...& I was left with a mere handful of folks...none of whom had had to endure the ordeal for as long as I had...

With nothing better to do or no more thing for reassurance...I proceeded to give the mallu visa uncle a continued grimace of extreme anger & hatred...

& when it had been 2 hours since uncle had first spoken to me in mallu...uncle called in another guy to help him find my visa....& how long did it take for the new guy to find my visa...??? The whole duration of 2 minutes...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I had been tormented so much coz of the incomptence of a half-blind officer, I never bothered to know or ask...For now...it was time to get the hell outta here...!!!

When all the relevant visa/passport formalities were done I made a sprint to the baggage claim area hoping that in the enormous delay, my baggage hadnt been assumed to be unclaimed & sent away elsewhere....

But I was spared of another spell of torture coz I found my luggae, wasnt difficult to find, after all, in the whole of the baggage claim area of Sharjah Airport, mine was the only one around...& that too rather conspicuous coz the bags seemed to have toppled over each other....

In all of the chaos...I glanced a look at Sharjah duty-free airports & knew in a hurry why UAE was such a happening destination...It was as if someone had accidentally opened a portal to heaven right in the airport, & on the other side of it, everything seemed to be only made of happiness, fantastic wares & of course...no taxes...!!!!

But there was no time to be spent in the duty-free shop now...not with all that happened already...I resolved to check out duty-frees next time I travelled..Also noting that if this was the Sharjah duty-free, how good would Abu-Dhabi & Dubai duty-frees be..???

Anyways...when I was finally outta my airport...it was 2 AM Indian time (UAE is 1.5 hours behind India)...But if you thought that I already atoned for my sins tonight & had endured enough to deserve a comfy trip back to Abu Dhabi....well, it wasnt quite meant to be yet....

I found no signs of anyone waiting for me...No placards...the few sleepy drivers hanging around seemed to have nothing to do with the likes of me...

I walked up to the parking lots looking around for some car, some person who would emerge as an angel to save me from what was becoming a nightmare, but apparently, none was around of that description...

So now I had managed to get outta the Airport...but was stranded just outside of it...With no means to go anywhere beyond...

I checked out my mob...& although I knew my Airtel connection from Trichy wouldnt do me any good in Sharjah...To see the service going blank at this moment felt like someone had made me breathe through freezing water...

But there had to be phone booths here somewhere, there always are some in Indian airports....This unearthly was no time to call my HR but by all means, this was a time to panic...

& I did find phone booths- a couple of them...& yet when I looked around for a slot to drop coins into...I could find none...& then I saw why.... The phone was operated not on a coin-mechanism...but by means of swiping an Etisalat (Thats the numero-uno telecom provider across much of the middle east & the african arab countries) card through a slot provided...much like a credit card machine...

My dirham coins were no good to me anymore..!!!!.I could have bought a calling card from the duty-free shop back at the airport...But now I would never be let in...I was stuck outside an airport which I had been struggling to get out of, with noone to receive me...no mobile connection, with money that could do me no good

This was too painful to be true...It just didnt sink in...This wasnt meant to end up as the horrifying nightmare that it had become...I had become an unofficial prisoner in an islamic state where I knew none except my HR correspondent & noone would believe that I was an official employee because I had arrived on a visit visa...

With my face sunk in my hands & with my body involuntarily contorting itself in a stae of extreme frustration & despair, I must have made a rather disturbing sight at the few sleepy drivers hanging around at that god-forsaken hour...

There was nothing more that could be done....I had to somehow brave the night & then think about how I was to go from Sharjah Airport to Abu Dhabi...The fact that I didnt even know where I was to stay now made my cavernous, cob-webbed room in pearl hostel appear so inviting....

Yes..if only I could have stayed back in my college...never be drawn by the riches that have blinded me...remained a worthless urchin for life....if only...if only...

Something shook me off my dreamy state...the hands of my watch had rearranged themselves to show that the time was now 3 AM IST...& then outta the murky darkness came a man...looking like he had been woken up roughly while he had been dreaming of wonderful desert babes & wanting nothng more than to be told to go back to sleep again...In one hand he held a cigarette that was calously held in 2 fingers....& in the other...No..!!! It couldn't be....But it really was..He was holding a placard with my own name & the company name on it..!!!!!!!!

I walked up to him like a crazed man & told him in what unintentionally ended up sounding like an order..."You have come to pick me..!!!!"

He looked like someone had just smashed a bottle on his head...But his expression of sheer shock was now what my face must have had when I saw him with a placard of my name...

No time was wasted...We hurried into the car & within no time we were on the road...AT LAST..!!!

On the way....he told me that he himself had been waiting for me for 3 hours & had made up his mind to return to Abu Dhabi thinking that I had probbaly postponed my journey & had just returned as a final confirmation. Well, what could I say, if luck had deserted me so far, at least the last shreds of it had miraculously rescued from what would otherwise have been, an incomprehensible struggle...

Something told me that the pain was all over...It was gonna be fine from now..& I sunk into the plush seats of the fine car that had been sent for me...marvelling at the outstanding 10-lane freeways that have yet never been seen on Indian roads...but are a common feature across all of UAE's streets...

All of the driver's words about how he had left Kerala (Of course...how could be anything other than Mallu..?!?), about how he coudnt believe that a 21 year old was offered as much as I was...blah-blah, washed over me like a pleasant stream of shallow water as I soaked in the lovely street lights that seemed to be so much higher & golden...nothing like what I ever got to see in India....

It would be too difficult to stay awake now...& so I sunk into my comfortable seat & slipped into a delightfully comforting nap...with faint visions of seeing beautiful streets & houses as if from, a distant mirror...

& then I was finally woken up by my savior when we had arrived & when I saw, where we had come, my jaw had nearly dropped of...

"I am to stay at the Millenium Hotel..?!?!" said I with a look of wonder that found expression inspite of my overwhelming fatigue...

"Yes Sir...you will be fine...Just tell them your name & our company name & everything will be done..Goodnight..!!!" & he was off into the night...

& so it was that I walked into the reception , where I was received most warmly by a delightful filipino gal who immeddiately summoned a bell-boy to take away my luggae & show me my room...

Perhaps I wasnt prepared to hear my mother tongue being spoken to me here in the middle east, especially when I was too dazed to register anything of what was happening...But now I realized that the bell-boy(who turned out to be Bangladeshi) had obviously figured out my ethnicity coz of my surname & had taken this chance to talk to someone who shared his own native tongue...

While the lift made its way up to my floor...It stopped in between & then entered a woman of such unearthly beauty as cannot be described, with fierce blue eyes & dark-blonde hair...& though such features are distinctly caucasian...there was something distinctly, may I say it, "Aryan" about her facial disposition that made her that much more stunning...I had just come face-to-face with the most beautiful human female race on the planet...the Lebanese...!!!

But she wasnt alone...in came 2 Arabs....complete with their full-body white robes & the queer piece they wear over their heads...with a look of intense madness & they gazed longingly at the beauty next to me...eyeing her in full-detail, resting particularly long to admire that part of her body where, either God, or a lucky surgeon had been very generous to her, & then greedily licked their lips...to which the lady merely responded with an inviting stare & a bite of her lips...It was all too obvious what was gonna happen...There was gonna be a threesome starting any moment now not too far from me.... If only the folks back home could see what was happening here..."Conservative" & "Strict"...??? I couldnt help laughing in mockery at those poor ignoramuses back home....

& then...I entered my delightful room..at 5:22 AM IST...So wonderful...So much more than what I could have asked for & switched on the TV as though it was the right thing to do at the moment...& the TV came to life with a wonderful female voice saying "Welcome to the Millenium Hotel Abu Dhabi, Mr. Bhattacharya"...!!!

It had to be heaven...or a heavenly dream..Nothing else could explain how wonderful the bed felt...how everything seemed to go from a horrific nightmare to a state where nothing more could be asked for...

& thus...I slipped into a most delicious trance....oblivious that at the other end of it I was to wake up to my first day in the United Arab Emirates,...My first day in Abu Dhabi,..My first day...as an NRI...!!!

(...To be Continued..)

The Birthday Post...!!!!

If only I had been born a month later...or begun work a month earlier...

I could boast out loud that I had been reborn just when my life has begun all over again,

Bigger & better than ever before...a life in which nothing is beyond my reach....


But I shall not do injustice to what more than promises to be the greatest experience of my not-so-long life by writing about it in this post...


No, that shall have to wait until enough of this richly moving & rewarding experience has assimilated itself within me... Although there is a possibility that I might never let go of what stops me from writing a premature post on what I have seen & experienced as a resident of Abu Dhabi....

It is weird that in between all of this, I am also supposed (or rather...expected) to be delighted about my "birthday" - Something which has now just become something of a mental chore, a reminder that triggers itself when friends remind you of...well...u know the usual round of greetings you get on a birthday dont u..??? :D


But I am hardly to blame for this...Why should something that repeats itself every year stay on my conscience when I see people belonging to cultures I had never before met smiling & working with me (& at times fuelling my perverted imagination..!! :P ) and reminding me that I am destined for really really big things..???


When I was 13, I would tell everyone around me that I was one day destined to be one of the most famous billionaires the world has known with a fleet of Rolls Royce & Bentleys like none other....

Then came the sobering teens & all the trials of college...& many a time I would wonder whether finding a "good" job & being "comfortably" "settled in life" was all I wanted...with a good office in Bangalore/Mumbai etc etc....


Aaah....yes...wasnt even so long ago...





Today...when I walk on the streets of this heavenly paradise which calls itself Abu Dhabi, I wonder if I will ever be capable of looking back at the small things in life & appreciating them for all they are worth...

All those little birthdays that I looked forward to as a kid... The time when I could have great food, cut cakes, wear new clothes & become GOD for a day...



If only it was so easy to become humble in what one expects from life....If only I could think below Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Singapore, Chicago & other "happening" cities of the developed world....



Hey wait a second...



Why the F**K am I creating fake airs of introspection here..!??!?!



The truth is....



That I am DAMN happy & there is nothing that you can say or do to change it..!!!!

I finally got to ride a Mercedes a couple of days earlier & I know that the Rolls Royce & Bentleys of this world can't possibly be that far away now...

This is MY day & all of you better start posting some nice comments & sending me some nice birthday wishes if you want some really nice duty-free goodies (UAE has no tax...!!! :P )


Yay...Happy Birthday to ME...!!!! ( Aah..yes...How could I forget BLUE on a day like this..!!! ;-) )

Thank you all for caring enough to drop in atleast a few words on my birthday... Thats the one thing I miss here in the heaven that offers me everything else...!!!!

Damn my work...!!!!
I really wanted to spare more time for this post & make it longer... Forgive my medicority this time friends...Will make it up to you next time..!!!!!

When Cows Attack..!!! - Part 2

After reading through the previous post , You might have been asking yourself – Ok, so the cows at your place eat a lot more paper at your place and are willing to put in a great deal more of an extra effort just for that lil bit more of paper…Big deal, is that why they scare you so much..?? Duhhhhh..!!!!
That does sound ridiculous doesn’t it..?? And the fact is,that it is ridiculous..!!…Coz their mere obsession with paper could only be amusing or at the most, annoying to me, but fear..?!?! Of course not…!!
That comes with its own story..!!! ( You aren’t surprised, are you..?? )

Let us now turn our attention to two interesting scenes :

Scene 1

I owe this to the thambi friend of mine whom I have already introduced in this blog as the guy who told me to “Don’t use Bad Words da” (Aah…Man…if u are reading this, I never tire of laughing at you. Thanks for being so inherently stuck up in chaos..!! ).
So one day my friend was cycling back from god-knows-where back to the hostel thinking about what jigs he could do in class to keep up his daily duty of kadalai (For those who are familiar with colloquial tamil, You don’t need me to explain this to you…As for the others, you could say it’s a reasonable synonym to “flirting”,…aur hindi bhaiyon, samajh lo ki ye apun ke baasha me laundiabaazi hai…aur agar ye bhi samajh nahi aaya…tho phir bas chup chaap g***d mara lo ..!!!!)…when he found a buffalo (not a cow, but close enough) happily (?!?) eating away at the grass (or atleast that’s what my friend thought it was eating..!!) and so he decided to try some fancy facial expression which would have the gals swooning over him ,( Uhhh..!!! Dude…Get a life..!! When will u come face to face with the truth…?? ) on the buffalo itself expecting it to admire (?!) his “charm” (WTF..!??!).

Well..the buffalo did react to his “charm”, by suddenly unleashing a frightening grimace and preparing to chase him down (Was it coz the buffalo had some “matter” to settle with him coz of his “excess charm”…?? I wish I knew..!!! )…
If my friend thought that his “strong legs” (?!) & his "fast cycle” (?!) would make the buffalo eat afterburn..He was mistaken bigtime… The buffalo was on his tail in no time at all…with a vicious stance pointing its nasty big horns (which my friend managed to notice, were more than capable of destroying his “perfect” @$$..!!!) right at…well…u needn’t be told, right ..??
Unfortunately for him , none of the lucky persons who witnessed this one-of-a-kind buffalo escape sequence even gave a thought to help him out, and why would they…?? They were getting to watch an incredible movie style laugh-riot unfold right before their eyes…I wish I was there myself…would have rolled over laughing my @$$ out for sure..!!!
Meanwhile..things were getting really tuff for the “charming” hero…The horns couldn’t have been much more than 6 inches away from his @$$, when he sees to his joy that he is nearly there at the gate of our hostel…& so in an epic move that would have done Akshay Kumar & Ajay Devgan proud during their days in the 90s as flop-action-movie stars, my friend did the “daredevil” stunt (?!) of leaping off his cycle and throwing it to the side in a thorny area …& running away into the hostel…
The buffalo continued for sometime on the same course of impact it had taken & eventually realized that it had lost its “charming” target…& then (according to reports), abruptly gave up all of its hostility and started feeding on whatever grass & paper it could find…

Later that day when my thambi friend recounted the events to us, he expected us to commiserate him with sympathy. Unfortunately for him , though none of it was forthcoming...All he got was shameless rascals laughing it out at their friend’s plight…!!!!

That day…I wished out loud that I could get to see atleast one more of a similar cow/buffalo encounter…Should have been careful what I wished for…Coz the wish was granted in less than 2 months time….and I wasn’t exactly laughing when the smoke finally cleared…

Scene 2

Me & my mallu pal Sriram were at the Pearl tea shop…But since both were well aware that with the big gang of cows around us tonight, tea wouldn’t be the best bet to see us through to hostel, alive, we played it safe with a pastry each…
So we were just laughing talking of some arbit g***du joke when we notice that a cow was looking at us pretty sternly as if we had just mothered his mate [assuming the cow was a “he” & was also not gay (unlike a couple of dogs I once saw in “action" ), if it was a “she”, then…hmmm…donno what would get her so charged up..!!!!].
So..we decide to play it safe & walk away gently..Coz we anyway had nothing to fear…We dint carry any paper..& cows don’t go for cakes( Or so could be safely assumed)
And what does the cow do in response to our withdrawal..??

It charges at us at full speed…!!!!!!!!!

Eating cakes was no more our priority, I was too scared to death to realize just how much panic had been stirred up amongst all of the losers who had gathered around the tea shop, & also when exactly I had thrown away my cake in a fluid motion…
This was all about survival..& I wasn’t gonna be rested in peace..much less coz of the actions of a mad cow..!!!!
Many encyclopedia & informative books will tell u that the top speed that can be achieved by an average cow is higher than that of an average man…What it does NOT tell u is that cows can also accelerate upto that higher speed much quicker than a man…Boy oh boy.. Did I get a quick lesson in that when the cow seemed to catch up with us in a real hurry…& was getting too close for comfort..!! (Comfort..!?!? WTF..!?!?) & Then I remembered how my thambi friend escaped from his mess & so change my direction and sprint at full pelt…& guess what…It worked again..!!!

The cow kept on chasing Sriram until he also figured out that a mere turn would fool the cow…& when the cow lost sight of both of us…He/she again lost all hostility in a hurry & turned to some bakras with paper cups…
However, in my maniacal sprint of fright, I had a hard fall on the paved surface outside the hostel and although, pavements aren’t as rough or abrasive as…lets say..a stony field, they are still considerably harder,and the blunt edges of the pavement were very unforgiving to my leg that day…I had bleeding wounds across my knee, but all that paled in comparison to what had happened to my foot, a big chunk of epidermis tissue had come off entirely off my foot. It pained like hell, bled like a faucet and looked..uhh!!! lets not even talk about that..!!!

Though its been nearly one & half years since I had that encounter & that fall.. the wound on my foot where the skin has peeled off ,still remains as a permanent mark to remind and teach me that

• Cows are really fast…Don’t race them on..!!!!
• It is not just paper that drive cows mad…It could be anything…Don’t mess around with gaai log..!!!
• And, most importantly, cows are blind to direction changes when in pursuit, if u are being chased by a cow, don’t try to outrun it..Coz u wont be able to…Revert to a change in direction..!!!

Believe me, It isnt very flattering to be laughed at by friends after u have been scared to death and have just had a lifelong scarring fall… (Although looking back at it…It was a really amazing experience..!!) I now realize what my thambi friend must have felt..
And that , my friends, is the reason for my morbid fear of cows….Ever since that day, I turn into a scaredy-cat whenever I see a cow (esp. if its within the NITT campus) get too close to me…
I don’t say this with pride…Coz there is no pride to be laughed at, right when u were impressing everyone with ur eloquent words, just because u have been frightened to death by a cow who wants to take away the paper cup in your hand… !!!

But well….things don’t always remain the same…


On my last day in my college, I finally decided to clear the labyrinth of paper & old books from the spidery crypt that my room had become. The ward boy (who, if rumour is to be believed, is in fact a eunuch/hijda/chakka ) had come earlier to tell me that I should call “him” (well…I guess that’s the closest pronoun I could use for him ) when I am disposing of all the old paper in my room…
And so…I took it all out…Old newspapers, All of my classnotes (which,until 5th sem had been a lifeline for many…), all my question papers, answer sheets, drawing sheets, Xeroxed materials, brochures, envelopes, old & forgotten letters and a great deal more of papery junk,all were dumped before my room…& then…beyond the hostel …I could see….a cow, not looking menacing or intimidating, but foraging around , looking for…could it be paper..??

I looked at the humongous pile of paper…& began going through a few options in my head…
By giving away all the old paper to the ward boy, I would help him & perhaps some other scrap dealer some money…People would also say that I had contributed in recycling of paper, an eco-friendly and economical measure.
But hey…I have spent two months during my summer internship in a recycled paperboards manufacturing mill (Could it be coincidence, paper & cows..all over again..!?!?), and I have seen enough to know that manufacture of recycled paper is neither as “economical” (the factory I worked in, was making losses) nor as “eco-friendly” as people think it is ( I was working on decreasing the effluent losses)…
I know, that it no way justifies the cutting of trees to manufacture paper, But I wouldn’t let go of this chance to complete the food chain as nature had ordained it to be…& without giving it another thought..I went with all of my paper and dumped it before the cow…

The cow then looked up to me with a look which was so pure, so innocent and seemed to ask ..“Is all of this, really for me ?”
To suggest my approval...I backed off & seated myself comfortably on a make-shift seat. Not to look a gift-wrapped (Quite literally) paper meal waiting in the hot sun, the cow came down hard & merciless on the paper…

Sitting there & watching the cow, I found an odd sense of comfort in knowing that all of my newspapers, writings, drawings, all of the exam papers where I had scored so heavily had not got lost in some other human dealing…But had helped feed a poor creature which had terrified me for so long for no fault of its own. (But hey…when I think of that painfull fall, I still say it was the bovine’s fault..!!! )
Pretty soon…two more cows joined the feast ..But there was enough to go around for all of them & so, none was denied a truly gourmet meal…

Eventually the ward boy came along, horrorstruck at seeing the cows eat the paper. He shooed them away & managed to salvage a sorry fraction of all that I had gifted the cows…
He then looked at me with a savage delight, hoping to find an affirmative to his shooing away of the cows…But all he saw on my face was a wicked smile mocking his puny efforts…he knew…he knew right then…It was all my doing…& he had been too late…!!!

It was this encounter that shall perhaps remain my last with the cows at NIT Trichy…
Maybe the Cow Gods will bless me with salvation, so that I may be freed of being haunted by the most frightening cows on earth, for my noble deed in feeding some of their own…

AMEN..or rather…. MOOOOOO…!!!!

When Cows Attack..!!! - Part 1

Cows..!??!
I have gotta be outta all the freakin intellect I am so proud of..!!! How the hell can I have the nerve to follow up posts on Fests, Interview experiences, p***yish tuff, social enlighteners & even wannabe dark posts with..*dare I say it*...Cows..?!?!?! Isn't that whats on your mind now..??

But before u think of me....Take my word for what it is...This isn't the bullshit it literally appears to be (Or atleast...it isnt altogether boring ) Those of you who have known me closely for the last couple of years or so...Will know that a post on "Cows" just had to make it to my blog sooner or later...As for the others...Read on to know about the four letter word that has become , to me, one of only the three things that I genuinely fear (The other two are confidential for now) the most dreaded of them all....the four-letter word that is...COWS..!!!!


Of course, Cows weren't always so intimidating to me...Before I had left to college ..Cows remained what they were always taught & believed to be...Calm, Quiet & peaceful creatures who had their own languid of going about their daily routine which always put you at ease. For that matter, cows remained no big deal for the best part of my first 2 years in college. Agreed that at times cows outnumbered Humans in my college campus (Who am I kidding..?? They dint just outnumber us students "at times" they were always in majority from day one of my stay in college..!!!! ) but they never got the attention they so rightfully deserved.

But then...times began changing....& there was something inherently "different" about the cows we had in my college, something which, in the beginning seemed like an ordinary tendency for any cow...However, when I tried to try out a few experiments on cows elsewhere in different cities, I found that results varied widely, & in some cases the behaviour which was so prominent in the cows of NITT was entirely absent in the cows elsewhere...

So what was so unique about the cows on my campus u ask..??
Well...nothing much really...Just that they could do anything for PAPER..!!!! And when I say anything...Boy oh boy..do I ever mean it....they will do just about anything...Fight each other horn & hoof, charge at the nearest pile of paper within their radius of visibility (Of course, their uncanny precision at times suggests to me that they possess an extraordinary additional sense to satiate their appetite for paper) & even... have a showdown with the innocent guy (I have never seen a gal face this...so wont assume to the contrary...I guess they have enough issues with dogs & crows & dont need to be reminded of cows as well ) who had chosen the wrong time to be caught with any kinda paper in his hand....

The most infamous of the paper attacks ever was without a doubt, the one (or was it two ?? whatever..) occasion when a Cow took the liberty of relieving a guy of his lab record by making a meal outta it just because he dared to believe that leaving his record on his cycle stand while he was having lunch would save it from the wrath of nature. Perhaps he wasn't wrong...since when did cows gorging on paper become an act of nature..???
Unofficial reports (Of course they would be unofficial....What "official" news medium did u expect in a campus..?? ) say that the next day...the scene in class when the age-old "The Cow ate my book" excuse became,…well...much more than an excuse,… was one of the most precious class time moments of my batch..!!!

Of course...cow attacks for paper aren't as rare or even as extreme as the above incident suggests...In fact, its a way of life at NITT... Everyone who has a puff or a pastry in the Bru snacks shop and/or Pearl tea shop and/or Jade tea shop knows that you are in for seriously big trouble if u dont get rid of the paper saucer or whatever it is that lets you hold your food,in a hurry...& if u are having tea/coffee/soup in the ultimate gourmet dish for all cows...the paper cup...You better always bear in mind that the paper cup is NOT your property...and has to be immediately offered to the cows to sustain the peace treaty that has been existing between cows & students for ages.
Anyone who has the affront to keep the paper cup for himself or even keep holding it for a minute longer than the maximum allowable time shall thereby be at the mercy of the cows who may choose to do as they please with him...as people whose asses has been poked into by (luckily) not the very sharp horns of our cows shall testify (Agreed that the blows weren't hard...But it still would have hurt..!!! )

Those of you who think that it is perfectly normal for a cow to like paper just because paper are pretty much "processed wood fibre"..Then think again, coz I have tried offering cows in Hyderabad & Kodaikanal, paper while they were eating grass (To determine which one they prefer)...& a few cows sniffed at the paper, some licked it and just took a bite and then left it, and quite a few (Especially those gigantic Kodai cows) didn't even bother with the paper and gave me a look which suggested "Get a life kid...you think I will ever eat this @$$wipe..?!?"

But lets return to talk about the mutant freaks, which are called “Cows” at the NITT campus....
Often...they would look for paper in the most unexpected of locations...For instance, one fine day..I found a cow always staying annoyingly close to me even though I deliberately did not take tea to avoid the same coz of paper cups...& then my junior told me..."Its coz of the slam book that u are carrying..!!!"
Whoa...It chases the paper in a closed slam book too..?!?!
Now that is some desperation..!!! Come to think of it...that was probably also the reason why cows also found my cycle so much more interesting than those of the others coz I had retained some of the original paper cover so that I could use it as an identification....Huh...talk about demand for food..!!!!

But then again...There are times...when Cows become too complex to understand or describe...when things go beyond a mere excessive appetite for paper.... resulting in events that become inexplicably entangled in memory...

& That is what shall form the concluding sequel to my post(s) on COWS..!!!!

……………Stay tuned coz there is lots “Mooooooooo”re to come !!

"Senti..?? Whats that ??"- The confessions of a Dark & Wretched Soul

Disclaimer :

• The following work only reflects the author's opinions & is not meant to be interpreted as an attempt to sermonize anyone or change the reader's opinion/beliefs
• The opinions expressed are not universal in their scope and are directed at a fairly limited number of individuals and NOT to all as some of the words may otherwise suggest.

" I have walked the paths ; the shadowed roads
that led to terror's breast.
I have plumbed the depths of Hatred's womb
and scaled Destruction's crest.

For every secret left unveiled, for evert power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained.
'Though I found it, it would leave me - broken, damned and drained.

For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse.
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."

Only a stone-hearted & soulless human being could have the affront to take the unambiguously humanistic expression of "senti" & tear it to shreds, cowering in the comfort of being in the safe sanctuary offered by the limits of bandwidth, separated in thought & physical being from the very thought process he despises, and yet lay claims to displaying enormous courage & mental fortitude to accomplish this un-'senti' task. And yes, I am the proud being who gets to commit this sacrilege.

A word which has now become synonymous with farewells in colleges - "Senti". When people are asked whats the big deal over senti, pat comes the repy "Hey, its the last few days of our final year dude !!, How can u not get senti when people go away ?!?!"

So that's the deal - You get senti, or rather,you are supposed to get senti when people go away & you might never see them ever again !!!

"So.." I asked one of my friends.." Doesn't this senti feeling have any significance when you are actually in the company of or spend time with the very people whom you are bidding farewell to ??"
"Hmmm...I donno all that...But why the F**K are u asking so many questions ?!? Aren't u senti that we might never see so many of our classmates ever again??" was my friend's response

"Not really" was my nonchalant response, and before he could enlighten me of the earth-shattering implications of my reply I just gave him a "Its OK, I know you will never understand" and moved aside from the "Senti" scene...


Yes..its true...Its damn true...I actually do NOT feel senti about not seeing my classmates (save a very few chosen ones)..I know not whether anyone shares my grotesque beliefs or whether even a single reader will not recoil in disgust at my macabre thoughts.
But I haven't always been the hard-hearted being that I have become now...

There was a time when I was senti...Very Very senti...!!!
Not just for those who bid farewell to their classmates and who recollect the most insignificant trifles which had never been brought up in all of the earlier time together, only when they were no more an issue to be considered,..But for all of those who came into my acquaintance, I was senti for all my friends. The very word "Friends" became synonymous with everyone whom I smiled at, everyone who was my "friend" on orkut, all my classmates, roommates, wingmates & it didn't matter how long the list went on...For everyone who had a breath to share,deserved to be honoured with my "friendship" - Or so I believed.
How delightfully pure were those days when I could brush aside anger or imprudence in action as one-off exceptions of people of "friendly" conduct - Who wouldn't wanna be senti about such a gang of friends who meant more than the world to you ?? It didn't matter to me whether it was studies, serious advice or just mere company that my "friend(s)" expected of me, But whatever I was doing just had to wait till I was done doing what my friends wanted....After all..I was bonded to them by "Senti"...!!!

If only they had let me remain what I always had been- A soft & pure soul who would never let go of any opprtunity to help a "friend" and to share his burden or give him something to smile for...
Maybe then I would have cheated destiny into not making me the cold-blooded rascal that I have become - One who has taken an oath not to vilify his conscience with people who called themselves his "friends" and doesn't give a damn to whether his "Friends" even acknowledge his existence.

Perhaps providence wishes to mock me with this wicked irony-
To know that "Friends" who weren't denied their request when they needed help studying subjects would one day look upon me merely as an obstacle with a high GPA who needed to be countered to realize their own 9 point dreams, "Pals" who wanted me to never change from being an honest, helpful guy went around preaching that malicious intent was at the centre of my "friendly" demeanour, Guys who came to me to help them before campus interviews were also never were too shy to let "friends" of their own know that I had vested interests in snatching their livelihood away, A couple of catastrophic debacles in final year was all it took for a few "die-hard" fans to disappear from my company as if in muted mockery.

You think I am a sore loser don't you - Writing a post cribbing his a$$ out for nothing that makes sense....???
Perhaps you are right...But you know what...???To know that your stone-heart is invulnerable to the vagaries of human "friendliness", to know that you dont need to trust secrets with people who eventually become loud-mouth back-biters, that you are no more susceptible to the improprieties of undeserving company and that you learn to place your faith in the ONLY person that shall forever stay loyal to you - Yourself, is a very comforting thought indeed.

Now when I look back and read all that I have poured out in this post I cannot help but gasp & recoil in muted shock at what my thoughts are or have been...That I even conceived, nevermind the fact that I wanted to be, being a stone-hearted being...& though no tears are forthcoming from my eyes which have long been dry with indifference, I actually feel my dark soul becoming vulnerable with "senti" all over again, I realize that there is still a part of me which remains a human made of flesh, tears & blood, perhaps beacuse I owe my present state of indifferent invulnerability to all that my "Friends" have given me in return for my own "senti" in a time which now is nearly a forgotten memory.

I am grateful to you, my "Friends", for showing me the difference that indifference has made to my life. And though, my pride & ego shall never allow me to genuinely call u a friend ever again for all the senti that you have robbed my being of, I sincerely hope all of you accomplish whatever you set out to achieve and make a difference to many more lives (Just like you did to mine), although I wonder if I will ever hear or want to hear about any of you....

"...For every secret left unveiled, for evert power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned....

...Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."

"Yet another" auto ??

This remains, to this day, one of the most remarkable chain of events I have gone through & one which I will never ever forget, I have no clue how this didn't make its way into my blog earlier...But better late than never as they say...

This dates back to my time as a 12th class guy (Or as we used to call "Inter 2nd year") in LFJC when we used to come to college every Sunday to play our usual round of cricket matches (Oh ya.. the college expected us to come for some "sunday tests" too ) After yet another fulfilling round of cricket matches on yet another Sunday.. I thus looked around for an auto..& since there was only one...left with no choice...I got in for yet another auto trip.."Raj bhavan Road jaana hai anna"..
"Right saar"... beeped my autowallah for the day..yet another unshaven & miserable looking autowallah..Oh well..I dont take autos to admire their drivers in any case...
One of the advantages of staying far away from your school - It takes atleast 40-45 minutes for any auto to get u there - Plenty of time for introspection, to muse on the day's happenings , or just to relax & maybe even take a short nap
"Damn...No Music player in this piece of junk..!!!" I discovered after a small observation...oh well..I had to learn to relax without listening to those glam-doll remixes sometime or the other...might as well get started now...
"Saab..aapko Chandrababu Naidu kaise lagta hai..??"
Huh..?Why the hell was this autowallah so interested in Chandrababu Naidu just when I wanted to have a silent nap..?? He sure was asking for some trouble
"Nahi maloom bhayya...mujhe ye sab politics me koi interest nahi hai"
"Hmmm....Kaiku boletho.."snapped the autowallah as if my reply had no relevance to what he wanted to say "wo itne saare flyoveraan kholke rakha..ab dekho.. full traaffic jaaam ho gaya... uske liye tho mein next election me pakka vote nahi kartoon.."
"Hmmpphhhh" was all that the autowallah got as my reply to his oh-so-interesting plans for the next election...& he took the hint & cut his talking for the time being.
I could hear my autowallah generously swear away all he could to the junta stopping his way in the traffic...& many other innocent bystanders who also got a generous helping of his gaalis for no apparent reason...
Yup...he was yet another autowallah all right..

So when we had finally managed to break past the traffic at Tarnaka... it was the autowallah who broke the silence with "Saab..aapke college me fees kitna hota ? "
After telling him the fees (albeit with a great deal of reluctance, even more so coz he seemed to have a question for everything...like whether that fees include the cost of books etc etc) he then went on to explain the reason for asking me a very very odd question for an autowallah to ask..
"Saab...kaiku boletho.. mera daughter abhi 10th me hai...wo bout acha padhti maloom... usku 9th me kitna aaya maloom kya aapku ?"
(Hmmm...This wasn't turning out to be yet another conversation after all)
"Nahi bhayya....kitna aaya usko ?"
"Usko 96 % aaya saab..!!! "
"96 %...?!?!?! wow...!!!!!!! That is superb..!!! " I blurted out in sheer surprise...& I could see that my reaction brought out a warm smile from the proud father... Now it wouldn't have been a surprise to have him say that he is proud of his daughter having got...say 75% or 80%...many such people even celebrate just if their wards pass exams in secondary school...But 96% meant this yet another autowallah's daughter...certainly was one in a crowd..!!! What a success story that would make for a newspaper...rather than reading about drunk celebs on page3 we ought to be hearing about such achievers... But enough of my drifting thoughts...Lets move ahead...

"Haan saab...mein kitna khush tha aapku maloom..Usko Ravindra Bharti me bhi CM saab award diya maloom"
I responded with a truly warm smile which meant to tell him as earnestly as I could to continue with these remarkable revelations.
"Isliye mein aapko fees poocha saab...Mein apni beti ko aapke college me daalta..usku bada doctor banata"
"Haan...aur wo zaroor bahut badi doctor banegi" I added, again with genuineness in all that I felt & expressed
"Aapko SI maloom kya ? "
"kya SI ?"
"SI boletho Survey of India"
"Arey haan...Survey of India tho maloom hai..par wo kyun ?" I asked coz I felt a lil odd that he was interrupting the talk on his "prodigal daughter"
"Kaiku boletho...Survey of India me mera brother ek bada officer hai maloom"
" Acha...?? Hmmm..." This was kinda getting a bit overboard...This guy was once again starting to sound like yet another loudmouth autowallah
" Haan saab..wo bahut bada aadmi hai...paisa wala.. pata hai aapko..uska beta ko kuch bhi nahi aata...phir bhi wo abhi Ramaiah me hai..." (For all Hyd/AP and/or IIT aspirants..Ramaiah needs no introduction...however for the unenlightened, Ramaiah is arguably the most sucessful institute for IIT coaching & also {under ordinary circumstances} the toughest to get into) "...Poocho kaise ?"
"Kaise ? " (Duhhhhh..!!!)
"Wo bohat paisa diya saab... wo *&%$#@ saala..."
Hmmm...Interesting way of addressing ur own brother na..??"
"Wo mujhe bhi ghar se nikaal diya saab... aur bola ki mereko koi auto chalane wala bhai nahi hona..."
Ohh...so this was the connection..This story was starting to get really intriguing here..Could this guy still be yet another autowallah..??
"Ye...ye tho usne bohat bura kiya aap ke saath...aap tho unke bhai hain" came out my shaken words...
"Haan saab..abhi kisi tarah mein auto chalake ghar sambhalroon... bas mujhe ab ek hi cheez hona... meri bachchi padh likh ke badi doctor amma banna "

At this point, I didn't know whether to smile to the unabashed love & faith this proud father offered to his lucky & gifted daughter...or to sigh & offer him my commiserations for how un-brotherly his brother had become to him....& as was so often the case back in those days...my hesitation & indecision manifested itself in total silence...whether the autowallah took it as an insult to not get any response to his story...or whether he was glad to be given time to recollect, I still don't know..

And so...after a most absorbing round of revelations..we once again withdrew into total silence
Perhaps this is what caused another round of coughing & sneezing...for I could offer no reason as to how I, who had a very major cold that day, had no problems while my mind was musing over all that I had heard from this autowallah who...could he be yet another autowallah..??
"Saab...aapko sardi hua" came the words from the autowallah, to break a long silence
"Haan...par koi baat nahi...theek ho jaayega.."
"Aap kaunsa tablet le re saab sardi ke liye ?"
"Mujhe naam yaad nahi..dispirin shayad se.."
"Saab...dispirin aapke type ke sardi ke liye acha nahi... aapko bruffin lena chahiye..usme bilkul correct amount me paracetamol hai "

What the Hell was THAT..?!?!?!?
Was I just hearing things or did an autowallah, no different from yet another autowallah actually compare two prescribed pharmaceutical drugs based on their paracetamol content..??? ( A couple of months earlier & I would have drawn a blank at the merest mention of the word "paracetamol")..This just cannot be happening...Nothing of all that has happened so far could possibly happen...I must be hallucinating..!!!!!

"Kya hua saab...aap theek tho hai na ?"
"Huh..?!?!" I was broken from my trance & there he was...that very guy...whose daughter was a 96%er & had received a CM award...whose brother was a big officer & who had ditched their relationship...the very guy who said that bruffin had a better paracetamol formulation than dispirin...Oh Horror of Horrors..!!! He was damn real all right..!!!!
"Errr...kuch nahi...aap chaliye"
His amused expression as he turned his back on me was too obvious across his face for me to miss...In all my astonishment, I had failed to acknowledge his suggestion of taking bruffin...But now was not the time for cordial exchanges...I wanted to get out of this auto in double quick time..
..
..
And in 5 minutes...I did get home

As I took out my wallet..I checked the fare on the meter..
& THEN ...

"56..?!?!?!?!" I exclaimed wide-eyed in disbelief...In all of my attention to this autowallah's remarkable story & peculiarities...I never had considered checking on the meter...
"Kya hua saab...Zyada ho gaya kya ?" asked the autowallah with no discernible expression on his hardened face
"Naa...Nahi...arey ye 56 kaise hua..aaj tak kabhi uppal se raj bhavan road ka bhaada 56 nahi aaya hai mujhe...kabhi 75 se kam maine diya hi nahi hai...!!!!!!! Ye itna kam kaise ho sakta hai..?!?!"
(Yes...This was what had taken me by shock...College to home- a good 18 kms..never did I ever come across an auto which charged me less than Rs 75 for the trip...& most autos would in fact go well above 80...How..In all of the thousands of autos that hyderabad is blessed with..Could this one charge me so low..!?!?)

"Saab...aapko sach boloon tho.. wo sab autos poora meter badal ke rakh dete...is meter ko maine kuch bhi nahi kiya...yahi ekdum 100% correct fare hai saab" He said beaming with as much pride as his earthen face & eyes could allow him

How wrong was I to allow my narrow-mindedness to overwhelm me..?? This remarkable human being...forsaken by his brother & so proud of his daughter..was also perhaps the only genuinely honest autowallah around..I reddened...ashamed of how low I let myself stoop in judging a man of such great virtues...
"Ye lo bhayya.." I said giving him 60 rupees...& as he rummaged in his pocket to look for the change he was supposed to return..I held his hand to stop him from what he was trying to do...& then gave him an extra 5-rupee coin..
"Aapke liye bhayya... Thank u mere saath baat karne ke liye.. Mein aapka bruffin lene ka advice zaroor follow karunga"
Words cannot describe the effusive happiness that radiated from the broad smile from the man at that moment. I gave him a lil wave of my hands & made to go home..

"Hi. I am Mahesh"
That was a sentence in correct & fluidly spoken english...& then the man offered me his hand & said "It has been a real pleasure talking to you"...the man was none other than the autowallah himself..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I donno how long it took for me to register the reality that I was meant to be a part of...in all the time my conscience had taken a hike, a wide mouthed "haaaaaaaaaa....." was all the sound I could make...
When I was finally aware of the animal-like sound I was making in my shock...I tried to compose myself...& offered a limp hand to shake his outstretched one...eyes still as wide-eyed as they have ever been in my life
"I was a sectional manager in Madras Chemicals, that is why I speak English fluently, I seem to have really surprised you ? " he said with a naughty gleam in his eyes
Surprised..!?!? Huh...Took my breath away would be an understatement..!!!
"Yaa...I.I..donno...auto..But why...auto...why..??" I said...& pointed at his auto to let him find some coherence in the isolated words I uttered out
"Hmmm... as i told u I was working in Madras Chemicals, & was very happy until I found that there was internal corruption in the company & some people were robbing the company blind..When I tried to report this, the situation became a nightmare to me as some of the bigshots in the company were also involved in the scam..."
"So what happened then ?" asked I with trepidation..
"What else..?? I was fired..!!" He casually remarked with a hint of dry laughter
"OMG.. How could anyone do this ?"
"Hmmm...anyways...I kept looking for a job for the next 2 months, but there were just no vacancies for anyone of my kinda background... With no earnings for my family, my uncle then suggested me to take an auto & become an autowallah...Thats when my brother deserted our relation"
He saw through my mute shock as if looking into a pool of clear water & he knew that I felt every bit of the horror & grief that he must have felt for so long...
"So thats why I have been riding an auto...& I had to adopt the rustic Hyderabadi tongue to fit in with the other autowallahs..."
An "Oh" finally betrayed me...
"This job isn't all that bad after all...I think in a month or two I might be in a position to save enough to buy another auto & let it for rent.."
"I am sure a person of your ability will definitely be doing much more than riding autos..Your daughter is so brilliant sir...I am really sorry if I was rude to you"
" No..not at all...I should in fact thank you. You know, you are the first one who has let me tell my whole story & not interrupted me or behaved rudely with me...I am really pleased to meet students like you... So what are your future plans then ?"
" I will probably be doing an MBA sir...I am not sure " (Oh how i wish I had been able to look into the future 5 years from that time..MBA my a$$..!!)
"Thats great...I am sure u will go very far in your career...Well then, we have talked for enough time..I dont want anyone to see me talking in english...I better get going now... Thanks a lot for listening patiently to me"
"Thank you sir..Thank you for your company...I will never ever forget this.."

& then...with a wave of his hand & with a jerk of a lever...he bounded off with his auto...
The autowallah whose daughter had received a CM award for scoring 96%, he whose brother had ditched him for being a "lowly" autowallah, who knew more about paracetamol than I perhaps ever will, a manager who had been fired for spreading the message of honesty in his workplace, the only autowallah with whom I spoke in formal english & also the only autowallah whom I addressed as "Sir" & I had the affront to think he was yet another autowallah...

That day i made a silent resolve to myself...Never again will I dishonour the company of any person whom others might call yet another ordinary human being.
So whether its consciously done, or a manifestation of a newly-formed habit, I never ever deny anyone the opportunity of a conversation, be it the mess anna who asked me for Rs.100 so that he could rush home to solve some family probs, or the nepali ice-cream wala who told me how he had always wanted to study some IT course & work in an AC office but was tricked by his friends to join the restaurant business or even any other autowallah who seems that much happier just because I let him smile & talk all he wants to...
For you never know...the person you consider yet another loser might be the one who walks way thinking that u were yet another cold-blooded & selfish human being in this world where brothers dont remain brothers to autowallahs...

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