"Senti..?? Whats that ??"- The confessions of a Dark & Wretched Soul

Disclaimer :

• The following work only reflects the author's opinions & is not meant to be interpreted as an attempt to sermonize anyone or change the reader's opinion/beliefs
• The opinions expressed are not universal in their scope and are directed at a fairly limited number of individuals and NOT to all as some of the words may otherwise suggest.

" I have walked the paths ; the shadowed roads
that led to terror's breast.
I have plumbed the depths of Hatred's womb
and scaled Destruction's crest.

For every secret left unveiled, for evert power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained.
'Though I found it, it would leave me - broken, damned and drained.

For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse.
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."

Only a stone-hearted & soulless human being could have the affront to take the unambiguously humanistic expression of "senti" & tear it to shreds, cowering in the comfort of being in the safe sanctuary offered by the limits of bandwidth, separated in thought & physical being from the very thought process he despises, and yet lay claims to displaying enormous courage & mental fortitude to accomplish this un-'senti' task. And yes, I am the proud being who gets to commit this sacrilege.

A word which has now become synonymous with farewells in colleges - "Senti". When people are asked whats the big deal over senti, pat comes the repy "Hey, its the last few days of our final year dude !!, How can u not get senti when people go away ?!?!"

So that's the deal - You get senti, or rather,you are supposed to get senti when people go away & you might never see them ever again !!!

"So.." I asked one of my friends.." Doesn't this senti feeling have any significance when you are actually in the company of or spend time with the very people whom you are bidding farewell to ??"
"Hmmm...I donno all that...But why the F**K are u asking so many questions ?!? Aren't u senti that we might never see so many of our classmates ever again??" was my friend's response

"Not really" was my nonchalant response, and before he could enlighten me of the earth-shattering implications of my reply I just gave him a "Its OK, I know you will never understand" and moved aside from the "Senti" scene...


Yes..its true...Its damn true...I actually do NOT feel senti about not seeing my classmates (save a very few chosen ones)..I know not whether anyone shares my grotesque beliefs or whether even a single reader will not recoil in disgust at my macabre thoughts.
But I haven't always been the hard-hearted being that I have become now...

There was a time when I was senti...Very Very senti...!!!
Not just for those who bid farewell to their classmates and who recollect the most insignificant trifles which had never been brought up in all of the earlier time together, only when they were no more an issue to be considered,..But for all of those who came into my acquaintance, I was senti for all my friends. The very word "Friends" became synonymous with everyone whom I smiled at, everyone who was my "friend" on orkut, all my classmates, roommates, wingmates & it didn't matter how long the list went on...For everyone who had a breath to share,deserved to be honoured with my "friendship" - Or so I believed.
How delightfully pure were those days when I could brush aside anger or imprudence in action as one-off exceptions of people of "friendly" conduct - Who wouldn't wanna be senti about such a gang of friends who meant more than the world to you ?? It didn't matter to me whether it was studies, serious advice or just mere company that my "friend(s)" expected of me, But whatever I was doing just had to wait till I was done doing what my friends wanted....After all..I was bonded to them by "Senti"...!!!

If only they had let me remain what I always had been- A soft & pure soul who would never let go of any opprtunity to help a "friend" and to share his burden or give him something to smile for...
Maybe then I would have cheated destiny into not making me the cold-blooded rascal that I have become - One who has taken an oath not to vilify his conscience with people who called themselves his "friends" and doesn't give a damn to whether his "Friends" even acknowledge his existence.

Perhaps providence wishes to mock me with this wicked irony-
To know that "Friends" who weren't denied their request when they needed help studying subjects would one day look upon me merely as an obstacle with a high GPA who needed to be countered to realize their own 9 point dreams, "Pals" who wanted me to never change from being an honest, helpful guy went around preaching that malicious intent was at the centre of my "friendly" demeanour, Guys who came to me to help them before campus interviews were also never were too shy to let "friends" of their own know that I had vested interests in snatching their livelihood away, A couple of catastrophic debacles in final year was all it took for a few "die-hard" fans to disappear from my company as if in muted mockery.

You think I am a sore loser don't you - Writing a post cribbing his a$$ out for nothing that makes sense....???
Perhaps you are right...But you know what...???To know that your stone-heart is invulnerable to the vagaries of human "friendliness", to know that you dont need to trust secrets with people who eventually become loud-mouth back-biters, that you are no more susceptible to the improprieties of undeserving company and that you learn to place your faith in the ONLY person that shall forever stay loyal to you - Yourself, is a very comforting thought indeed.

Now when I look back and read all that I have poured out in this post I cannot help but gasp & recoil in muted shock at what my thoughts are or have been...That I even conceived, nevermind the fact that I wanted to be, being a stone-hearted being...& though no tears are forthcoming from my eyes which have long been dry with indifference, I actually feel my dark soul becoming vulnerable with "senti" all over again, I realize that there is still a part of me which remains a human made of flesh, tears & blood, perhaps beacuse I owe my present state of indifferent invulnerability to all that my "Friends" have given me in return for my own "senti" in a time which now is nearly a forgotten memory.

I am grateful to you, my "Friends", for showing me the difference that indifference has made to my life. And though, my pride & ego shall never allow me to genuinely call u a friend ever again for all the senti that you have robbed my being of, I sincerely hope all of you accomplish whatever you set out to achieve and make a difference to many more lives (Just like you did to mine), although I wonder if I will ever hear or want to hear about any of you....

"...For every secret left unveiled, for evert power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned....

...Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."