The last innings of (s)extraaa innings..!!!

Today I shall talk about a household name that cricket made famous and who shall be missed by millions following the ongoing world cup...

• No.. I am not talking about Bob Woolmer (May God do him the honour of resting in peace)
• No.. I am not talking about Inzamam-ul-Haq (May God allow him to eat & gain weight in peace)
• No.. I am not talking about Greg Chappell ( May God give him the courage to rip the BCCI to pieces )

& finally..No.. I am not even gonna talk about the a$$wipes who call themselves the Indian cricket team.. coz each & every one of them is gonna redeem their "honour" on India's tour of Bangladesh.. which the broadcasters & sponsors shall bill as the "BADLAA" series (& hence, not just make up for what they lost for India's exit from the WC..but also have enuf left over to sponsor India's scheduled short presence in the next world cup too..!!)... a series where our "wounded soldiers" shall take on the "Mighty Bangla Tigers"... The likes of Sachin, Dravid & Co. will fight out "menacing bowling attacks in hostile conditions" & then "overcome enormous pressure from home & bounce back from recent debacles" to score "hard-fought & patient" centuries..!!!
May God keep the Indian players I once worshipped happy (with whatever jobs they take up after being sacked of course )

Nope...none of all this... In fact I find it appalling that not many(if at all any) have even realized that this tragedy is in fact, at hand
When ESPNStar made the successful bid of US$ 1.1 billion for the TV rights for all the major international ODI & twenty-20 tournaments following the '07 World Cup to the '15 World Cup... It simultaneously meant the end of Sony's reign in cricket coverage which had begun with the 2002 Champions Trophy..
But hey...thats great news right..?? After all there is no channel in the world to better the panel of Harsha Bhogle, Ravi Shastri, Alan Wilkins, Geoff Boycott, Wasim Akram & the other experts that always hop-in for the ESPNStar coverages... these were the very guys I miss now when I hear the hollow commentary & analysis in the World Cup..
But although I was delighted when I heard of this news...there was one side of me (& i think I know which side ) which cannot help but feel that an ingenious approach to cricket coverage was gonna be wasted en route to its funeral...
For the record...I am talking about (S)extraaa innings...the show that took off with Mandira Body (Oops... make that Bedi..!!!) as the host (& ya... I read that there is this guy called Charu Sharma also on the show...anyone managed to notice him..?? )

So what if Mandira happens to be the dumbest cricket show host since...(Hmmmm...I dont seem to be getting any answers here...Is it possible that she is the dumbest of them all.??! )
So what if during the '06 Champions Trophy.. she says for Barry Richards "He is too sexy for his shirt" who promptly gives her a look which conspicuously suggests "WTF is wrong with this dumb b**ch..!?!?"
So what if she is the most narrow-minded indian supporter ever...?? someone who has the audacity to keep laughing at the Bangladesh team even after they beat the shit out of the Indian batsmen (yes... I have a good memory) much to the ire of the Bangla fans who have every right to proud of what their team has achieved( This post comes just after they have humbled the no.1 ranked team in the world)..
So what if all she has to say after an innings is

• "He looked great while hitting that four"
• "I want you to see this sixes package only because I like _____ sooo much" (huh...WTF..!?!?)
• "Ooooh...I just love the way he caught/fielded that ball" (Wish she could also catch some balls eh..!?!? )

(OMG....Maybe its a good thing after all that ESPNStar got the rights..!!!!)

But then again, on which other show will u get to find a host who by herself is the reason to switch to Sony rather than the match that is being broadcasted..???
Which other channel would allow you to see cricket as a sport which offers more than just the usual bats & balls u get to see...to make u realize that cricket is in fact a conglomerate of several shapes (New shapes...so that is ur latest excuse for watching the show eh..?? )
On which other show will one of the questions asked in a contest as well as a hot debate be based merely on what Mandira is gonna wear to the show today..!?!?(I wonder why..when Tony Grieg was asked the same question...responded nonchalantly by saying that he wouldn't mind the sight of her being topless anyone got answers..?? )
Which other host has landed a role in "Manmadhan" (Those of u who know what "Manmadhan" means... know Mandira deserves this role...) based purely on her exploits on a cricket show..??
Who else can lay claim to introducing a brand new concept in sports coverage (Now u find female hosts in many sports...Even ESPN-Star now has female crew at the stadium to exploit the helplessness of loyal male sports fans..!!!)

& are we to believe that with ESPNStar acquiring the coverage rights of all major international tournaments ...that the era of Mandira Bedi is at an end..???
Yes...I am afraid it is indeed so... Coz I cant imagine any of the ESPN-Star guys welcoming her into their panel which never permits anyone other than a seasoned champion at playing and/or expressing views about the game to come On-Air during coverage ( whether they wouldn't welcome her company Off-Air is quite debatable though)

Thus, my friends, I shall ask you to Mourn in silence thanking Mandira for serving us with her presence on Cricket's grandest stage...
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Ooops...!!!!
Did I ask you to "...Mourn in silence thanking Mandira for serving us.."..??
Sorry..!!!
I meant.. ".. MOAN as silently as you can, thinking of Mandira's 'services'..!!! "


AMEN u frustu perverts..!!!!



Disclaimer : I have not been offered any favours by Mandira for writing this post...!!!

A tale of two cities.....& two fests....& two companies....& all that jazz..!!! ( 25th Jan - 19th Feb '07) Vol. - 3

SAARANG '07 vs
PRAGYAN '07..!!

Now why is that I choose to write Saarang in blue..?? After all, could there be any explanation whatsoever to suggest that it had more than enough reason to be called a BF (Blue Fest).. Was it just a coincidence that Mood Indigo & Unmaad (transliteration of "Ecstacsy") were other fests which sought to make their association with the various hues & interpretations of BLUE rather obvious..?? Yes....nothing but a coincidence of course (Did u guys think it was a deliberate attempt..?!?! How perverted..!!!)
But again...why do I call it a BLUE fest..?? Is it because the gals at Saarang are really hot..?? Is it because their attire betrays the reason I (& all other frustu males) stare at them..?? Is it because, for some unexplained reason, Gals here usually tend to shed their inhibitions on-stage & do things which would have u wide-eyed & gaping in disbelief..?? Is it because, the only issue which was thought to be worth musing over in JAMs, Extempores, Debates etc was S*X & the other four-letter, five-letter etc words which usually find their place in such "discussions"..???

Nope...Its simply beacuse..... I am an innocent little kid who likes the colour BLUE..!!! :D

Nothing that happened in Saarang took my mind off the blues...NOTthe Biz-Quiz which i braved alone (it was supposed to be a 3-man event) thanks to Shyam's interests in stuff beyond the blues & Ram's absence,during which a gal not-so-far-away giggled away to my constant wise cracks :P, NOT the so-called "hypnotism" workshop wherein all I could think about during the "hypnotic session to take me back to when I was 5 years old" was how I could get out of the cramped room & return to food & the "Round" world..!!! :P

With Ram anna finally reminding us of his existence (after his night of action..!!)after what was well-past our usual lunch-time...We then proceeded to...ASCENDAS..!!!!
I was told that Ascendas is a bigger, better & a fully-AC version of "Eat Street" (The Hyd gang will know this only too well :P)...& yes...It was a gr8 deal better than I had expected it to be...But I missed the tattoo parlour at Eat Street.. the realization of my dream of getting a tattoo...is long overdue now..!!! :((
With the ritual of eating like monsters done (Ram..that special faluda of yours was outta this world..!!!)...We then happened to notice (among the many loaded matter that demanded our attention)..that a matter in white...seemed to find us..very interesting..!!!! (I say "us" coz...well...all 3 "wannabe hunks" seemed to be getting the stares..!! :D)...She seemed to be in the midst of an all-round tour of Ascendas..but no sir...that dint stop her from checkin us out...(One must assume that Diff angles of admiration only helps the cause ;) )... Then, she goes & joins her mother at their table...Mother..!?!? Shit..There goes any hopes of prolonging this kadalai session ...But wait...she seemed to be lookin at us & saying something animatedly to her mom...& was I imagining her mom giving us a real smug smile..!?!?!? If I was...I certainly wasnt alone...Ram & Shyam cud swear to it too...& now mom & daughter take turns giving us inviting stares....WTF..!?!? Are even the gals(& their moms) in this place so frustu..?!? :O

With this lil kadalai adventure...it was time to say adieu to matter mama Ram with our traditional routine which consisted of...(well..u know what it must have consisted of..!! lolzz)..for what had been a really short stay for him coz of a schedule which only a retard( Hope u recognize urself Ram :D) cud have alloted himself..With Ram off to his war-on-gal haven...me & shyam anna then moved once again to Saarang to salvage some more matter for the day..& settled on the JAM finals...where the importance of perverted fetishes, & the serious matter of "fitting the Schrodinger Wave equation to serve the purpose of s*x" were discussed among many other such delicate issues...The JAMming (as well as loadsa other things) GOD "Ducky" was at his "serious" best..!!! :D
Resigned to the assumption that we had enuf matter for the day...Shyam & me went for a ride in the night..& feasted on some amazing paneer paranthas.!!! :P That....followed by a detailed description of some "important" matters ended the day for us... ;)

The next morn ushered in prolly the best breakfast I have ever had in...(man..this aint supposed to be a flashback session)....!!! Rice...with that delightfully aromatic ghee & sambhar( Sorry dude...I forgot what its supposed to be called..!!)...man oh man...no wonder i out-ate Shyam by atleast double of what he ate for breakfast...& Shyam..the next time I am in Chennai...plz repeat this gourmet feast & i shall show just what a true gourmand is..!!!! :P
We then moved to Saarang..& with nothing interesting on...& with me not in any hurry to check out "workshops" after the gr8 "hypnotism" ordeal..!!! (Duhhh..!!)...it had to be MATTER again that kept us busy...(yes..I graciously accept the charges of being stupid, shallow & narrow-minded to be so blinded by good-looking gals, but enuf talking...lemme concentrate on matter :D)...& what follows when u get high on matter..?? Of course...FOOD..!!!! (Oh man...I shall never forget those divine frankfurters..Even matter will have to wait for this..!!)
With the formalities completed..We then moved to the Buzzer-Quiz Finals...I am sure it must have been extremely exciting, enlightening, exhilirating..blah-blah...& perhaps, had I managed to stay awake during the quiz,I might have definitely agreed...but the only thing I do remember is one of the most wacky & ingenius pick-up intros I will ever come up with, & which I ended up using for a half-known fem acquaintance...!! :D
& yes...we now come to the Prahlad Kakkar Show..!!!! After seeing thru his brilliant ads of Pepsi, Maggi tomato sauce, Kitkat et al..one enthusiast asks him whether a brand can survive without ads...To this..Prahlad Kakkar gave a response..which, by far, has gotta be THE moment of Saarang'07...He says "lemme give u an example of when advertising may not be necessary..I started a restaurant chain by the name 'Papa Pancho'..now how does a brand like this spread..?? Note the similarity of "Pancho" to a word we Punjabis (& now pretty much all Indian males) use...So pple wud come to the restaurant just to chk how a restaurant came to be called 'Pancho' (mind u...NOT b***nc*o..!!)...& it wud always stay on in their minds...coz after their meal they wud either say.."Baaanchoooo..!!!"(outta sheer delight) or "Bhak Bencho..!!!"(outta sheer anger & repulsion)"
{ Plz note that guys have to assume that "Baancho" refers to "B***nc**d" & gals(if at all any are still reading this blog)...plz assume that "Baancho" is just an innocent word which carries no particular relevance..!! :D }

Saarang '07 "climaxed" for us with Ducky & Ranjeev's sublime brilliance in the extempore competition...& which also featured an ash-wannabe...who began moaning & riding the mic to enact the alter-ego of a bar-girl (hmmmm...is "that" what a bar-girl does..!?? arent there enuf pple doing "that" already.???) to which the judge promptly responds "I hope she doesnt actually end up using the mic as a 'toy'..!!"..yup..definitely the BLUE moment of Saarang '07..!!!!

With Saarang done...all that was left to be done the following day was to check out Spencer's (My T-shirt...well...Its different..!! :D ) & spend ourselves on the sands of Bessie beach..
I started off for Trichy that night with a "cool"bus which looked way better than its fare suggested...however, It dint appear all that "cool" when it took me more than 10 hrs to reach Trichy (usual time = 7-8 hrs)...
All that was left to do now was to waste myself away for the day & Pragyan would be ON the next day..!!! (2nd Feb '07)
So what happened in PRAGYAN '07 ..?? Hmmm...good question indeed, what did happen in Pragyan'07..???
Answer :How do u expect a person who is too busy being the chairman of 3 committees (Orkutting, eating, sleeping) of Pragyan' 07 to spare time to know whats happening elsewhere..??
But yes...I shall NOT talk about those amazing pizzas...I will NOT talk abt those irresistibly melting, dripping, cheesy Domino's pizzas that made u feel like the luckiest human around..I sure had built a gr8 acquaintance with a couple of the Domino's pizza crew...after all...noone else's mess account had filled up their coffers more during Festember'04, NITTfest '05, Pragyan'06, NITTfest '06, Summer of '06 (The Domino's Pizza guys were 4m their franchise stall in Coimbatore...which of course I graced during the weekends during my summer intern @ ITC..!! :P),Festember '06 & now Pragyan'07...Guys...its been gr8 knowing u..but remember...I only like u coz u gimme gr8 pizzas...so quit smiling & get my pizza ready..!!!!!!
Aaaah...Gluttony...how divine...how pure...how peaceful...& how satisfying..!!!! :P
Pragyan thus passed away silently for me...with 12 pizzas, probably 10 or more sundaes, noodles etc etc being feasted upon in 3 days flat..!!! Thank you..NITT..I loved celebrating the spirit of technology..!!! I shall again oblige you with my appetite when our cultural talents have to be celebrated in NITTfest'07...!!! :D

So which fest wins the battle..?? Shall it be the blue SAARANG '07 with its amazing babes, decent food, & the opportunities that Chennai offers...or will it be PRAGYAN '07..the fest where u can outeat more than what 4 Saarangs together can offer without spending a buck off your wallet (only for NITT junta & their frds who make bakras outta them..!! :P)..???

Well...is it even a contest..?? What should make u think that a battle was ever on..??
Shouldnt matter & food go "hand-in-hand"..??? :P

& so...I hereby declare that...the winner of Saarang'07 vs Pragyan'07 is.... ME..!!!
(Hmmm....why am I in blue now..??)


Coming up : THE GRAND FINALE`...!!!!!

A tale of two cities.....& two fests....& two companies....& all that jazz..!!! ( 25th Jan - 19th Feb '07) Vol. - 2

"Thambi....Enga poringe..?!?"

Huh..!?!? Wtf was that..?!?! I instinctively looked at the watch...5:20 AM...i cudnt have been sleeping for more than 45 mins at max...& the bus was still moving...Moving..?!?! Wtf..!?!? Then why was I woken up when I chose the luxury of sleeping till the last stop (Koyambedu)..Someone had some explaining to do...
& then i found the someone...the typical thambi conductor anna...who looked like he had done me a gr8 deal of good...
"KOYAMBEDU..!!!" I bellowed...& anna immediately knew who the jackass was & beat a hasty retreat..I was in one of those tempers that led me onto giving anna half a dozen of my choicest gaalis which wud have him weeping all the way back to Trichy...but then socha...rehne do...bichaare ki g***d maarke mujhe kya milega..??
After finally getting to Koyambedu & getting a bus to Velachery (which turned out to be a much easier chore than Shyam made me believe)...I then met up with Shyam anna...who as always...looked...well....well fed..!!!! :P
After a more than satisfying breakfast & a brief kutting (read orkut) session...we made our way to the big mama of all fests in the south...Saarang...where we met up with the big papa of matter..apna own matter mama...Ram..!!! :P
After completing the traditional & extremely cordial greeting routine consisting of polite exchanges such as "M*d*rc**d", "B***nc**d", "Bh***di waale" & other such pleasantries...we then turned to focus on what made Saarang so mattersome....MATTER...!!!!! (For those who know what "matter" is...good,very good...I am proud of you..& for the unenlightened...matter = maal = pottiyan..& if u still dont get it..WTF...just read on..!! )

In his best-selling book "The World is Flat", Thomas Friedman writes "..the playing field is being flattened ..Flattened? Flattened? My God, he's telling me the world is flat!"
Of course, this isnt true...the world isnt & never was flat...only YenEyeTee Trichy is..!!!
Outside my coll, the world (atleast with regards to half of its citizens), & in particular Saarang, was as hypothesized by Christopher Columbus...."Round...a near perfect sphere"
Yes..& though I knew it was no discovery...But I had also seen it with my own eyes...The world is indeed big & round...!!!! ( I shall refrain from any attempts to elaborate on this para :P )
After the brief glimpse of Saarang...we then made our way to Chepauk where we were joined by Bhargav, Shyam's cousin...Wow..!!! I couldnt believe this..I was gonna see my first international match in a cricket stadium...aur wo bhi free me...!!!(Thanks Shyam...wish there were more frds like u..!!:P)..It was around this time that Ram & Shyam decided that I was to be the "BUTT" of their sarcasm [;P]
When the match finally started & Uthappa unleashed a breathtaking assault of pure timing..we discovered that we had in our midst what Shyam called "commentator" and/or "Selector"...However, I shall choose to refer to him, quite simply as "Asshole"...
Some excerpts from the shit farted out by the "Asshole"
* (When Uthappa was gng gr8 guns & we were at 95/1 in 10 overs) "Do you think we have a chance to reach 200..??"
*When Sachin was blasting away...our "Asshole" was busy reading India Today...yup..perfect time & place to read a mag..!!!
*(When Sachin got out) "This was expected...he looked totally out of touch"(yes..he indeed looked outta touch...just a remarkable coincidence that he happened to get 60 off 66 balls that day)
*(When we were losing wickets like crazy in the last 10 overs & runs suddenly became ungettable) "This..!! (with a look of innocent admiration) is true match test cricket..!!!"(Yup..the slog overs in an ODI...true test match cricket allright..!!)
*(When Kumble attempted to steal a run only to realize that the "stomach of India" Powar wudnt make it...)"Yes.!!!.we still have a chance..they are looking for singles..!!!"(Chance for what..?? to make Powar lose weight by attempting singles..!??)

However, I shall not suggest that the "Asshole" made us feel miserable...not with loaded mattersome matter on either side, behind & in front of us...rest assured...we knew were to look for action when 4s were hit..!!![;)]
It was sometime now that I got ambiguous information that I may or may not be allowed to sit for Shell...the ambiguity of the situation fuelling all the frustration of Schlum...& it threatened to ruin what was shaping to be a most memorable first match of mine..& poor old Ram & Shyam had to bear my awful cribs..as it eventually turned out...all the crib amounted to zilch for I ended up with something I had desired more(But that shall come in a later post)..Sorry for chaating u guys that day..!!!

With a hasty dinner during the innings break..we hurried back only to find we were outta seats & so kept shifting our places with change of ends to make sure we got the correct view (Of course i meant the view of cricket u perverts..!!!!!)...& eventually..I found the perfect seat which gave me an unobstructed view of play from either end...& also with semi-obstructed views of what needed to be seen on either side of me...!!! :P

With Marlon Samuels failing miserably at missing the gaps that night, & Lara looking like he wanted to get back & sleep in a hurry...we once again had to find alternate sources of entertainment...which were of course, far more reliable..!!! ;) ( Oh how I wish I cud be the guy who was painting the Indian tri-colour on HER cheek..!!)

With nothing more to do than to get ourselves spent after India's debacle (which by dubious coincidence proved to be their only defeat in the series)..we parted ways...Ram, for what turned out to be a night of action (lolzzz), Bhargav on his way home..and me & shyam anna to dig our way thru all the buses until we found ourselves back at shyam's place...

& THAT ended my first day in Chennai...& what was also my first ever international match at a stadium....one that I will never forget for reasons which are poltically correct..& some..which may not quite be so..!! :D
but it was worth looking forward to the next day...coz ....SAARANG beckoned...!!!


NEXT : The tale of two fests..!!!